It’s dusk. Blue light is barely glowing through my blinds. Most of my light is seeping through the cracks of my door. Outside, Eighties music is playing. The television is on. But in my room it is completely still and black. My pillow is damp and My mouth is dry because I have been breathing through it for a whole now. I am a silent cryer. Someone walks in asking for something and doesn’t seem to notice. I have learned to become excellent at hiding these sorts of things. One can make the most out of being alone for 49 hours. Here’s what I have gotten out of it.

This house is not a home.

At the end of the day, I am reduced to a pile of bones & longing. I destroy my sanity by listening to music that fuels the feeling. What a disgusting, weak thing to do. Im tired of being hung up, i just want you one last time. I dont even know why I even bother writing this shit cause the one person who needs to see this does not give one single fuck anymore.

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I will love you past the end of humanity, time, and this universe.
Your atoms aligned so flawlessly to create the most wondrous person I have had the courtesy to meet.
The altruism you exhibit for me and for others seems never-ending.
Yet you neglect your own well being.

That perplexes me the most.

The holes people dig into the heart
whenever they come into one’s life
never really vanishes for me.
When they leave,
their memories bury themselves there.
I come by
and visit
once in awhile.
If they decide to ressurect themselves,
I come rushing back
No matter how deep the hole.
No matter how much it hurts. 

46 days.

These abnormally chilly summer nights
remind me of when
nothing was wrong with you or I or the world around me
I had still believed you
when you promised forever
I planted euphoria
on your clavicle with my lips
You sewed bliss
onto my forehead with yours
You repaired me
with your presence
But now those normally chilly fall nights are here
they remind me reality prevails
You and I and the world around us
are mislead into the notion of
forever. 

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OKAY FREAKING OUT BECAUSE

my dog sometimes randomly barks and growls, especially when we’re in the kitchen

and my sister told me sometimes dogs bark at the spirits of other dogs

the kitchen is RIGHT NEXT TO THE BACKYARD

where my old dog spent most of his time………………

Fuck you. I’m done crying. It’s time I focused on my own well-being instead of yours.

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No one cares about me nearly as much as I care about them.

I don’t want to go to college I’m too lazy and stupid for it I am literally terrified because I know I’m going to give up and disappoint my parents and waste their hard eared money all I want to do is be naked in fetal position under my covers all day cause I’ll never amount to anything significant I am doomed to a life of mediocrity with a spouse I’m just settling for and children I never wanted and a job I was forced in to uuuuggGGGGGGHHHHH

Sometimes I really despise how much I immerse myself in the people and things I care about. I wish I knew how to build better walls so nothing can come in again and just tear me to shreds.

i feel so disgusting and needy and annoying right now. all the conversations ive had today ive carried on for far too long because i want to get out of my own head. distracting myself with the internet & video games isnt helping because i completely zone out. i wish someone would call me. i just want to talk. but i have too much pride to do so myself. i hate being a burden. im kind of ready for school to start tomorrow morning. this was the best summer i ever had, minus the past 48 hours. i kissed someone in the pouring rain. i FINALLY moved on from the same person who was no good for me at all. i pulled numerous all-nighters. i finally got a dog. i learned how to ride a bike. i ate orgasmly food and met a boy who was perfect for me. but all of this is over, and reality is setting in. i wish i could live in this time of my life forever.